Christmas Too Early Makes Me Surly

Christmas is one of my favourite times of the year. How can't it be? No school or work, good times with the family, great food, and most importantly: material possessions. These are the days of Starbucks hot chocolate, advent calendars, Rafee, Babybell cheese, Cap'n Crunch, new sweaters, snow, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, Home Alone, perspiring in retail outlets, Coca-cola polar bears, and the burning log on TV. I wouldn't trade it for anything!

It seems to me that certain people *cough* Brittney *end cough* would start Christmas celebrations around June, if left unchecked. She is not alone, I am sure she is in cahoots with my Grandma and sister; three peas in a premature celebration pod. No doubt they are in some sort of syndicate with aspirations of world domination, all centered around Christmas of course. [Insert your Christmas is a commercial scam conspiracy theory here, if you wish].

In my world, a perfect utopia which the likes of ye have never seen, Christmas celebrations should start Dec 1. This is more than fair, that's 25 days, or about 7% of our year celebrating one holiday. I am horrified to see the Christmas stuff, which I dearly love, magically appear about 0.0000001 seconds after Halloween is over. This is the start of a 55 day marathon of decorating, celebrating, and gluttony that would put Who-ville to shame.

Premature Christmas celebrators have many methods of smearing the holiday cheer where it doesn't belong:

The Carolers: They publicly bust out the Christmas tunes far too early, a heinous crime to say the least. Often this is before Halloween, the only tune I want to hear before Oct 31 is the Monster Mash! I suspect that they listen to carols year round, especially since the rise of the all powerful ipod. I have caught certain individuals listening to Christmas music in August...you know who you are.

The Nogger: You will notice I did not mention eggnog in my earlier list of Christmas essentials. I don't know what it tastes like, but I think I may have tried it as a kid and didn't like it...I am not going to risk it now. Plus, I recall Chevy Chase had a glass of nog before his mental breakdown in Christmas Vacation. This clearly shows that eggnog fuels insanity. If you are going to consume this nectar of mental illness, please wait until the designated December 1 deadline specified in my flawless utopian existence.

The Lighter: This is the person who puts their Christmas lights up way early. Now, I am somewhat sympathetic on this one. If I had to get on the roof to put lights up, then I might do it early so I don't slip off and break my neck. With that in mind, you don't have the turn them on yet, especially if your overly illuminated house poses a national security threat by providing a homing beacon for North Korean nuclear warheads. In addition, the additional emissions caused by these lights will melt the arctic and kill the cute polar bears that enjoy coca-cola, not the mention Santa’s workshop.

Even so, these people are better than the "I can just leave my lights up all year" people. They essentially take a good principle such as laziness and twist it into the perversion of year round Christmas cheer.

The Tree Hugger: Their artificial tree is carefully stored, waiting to be unleashed at the earliest opportunity. It has to be artificial because if they used a real tree, it would die before Christmas actually came. I have a soft spot for the three hugger for one reason only: Boots. He's my cat, he's 16, mostly blind, deaf, and cranky, and he loves to sleep under the tree. I suppose I could tolerate an early tree for his sake. Unless you have an aged cat that is cheating death, you are not covered!

Now, these premature celebrators will argue that celebrating early is spreading around a good thing and that everyone benefits. I smell Communists! Let’s see: spreading the wealth (cheer), Santa wearing red, receiving the same gifts regardless of behaviour (I always did). Now that I think of it, Santa and Karl Marx kind of look alike.

It's about time that we put the capitalism back in Christmas! Joy is a scarce resource, it must be horded and invested to exploit the poor 11 months of the year, and unleashed in all it's glory in the spectacular event that is Christmas. Afterward, I can celebrate a new calendar and make a bunch of promises to myself that I know will not keep, and wait two months to be showered with gifts in celebration of my Mom’s hard work bringing me into the world.

-Kyle