
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
If you're overly addicted to online window shopping clap your hands!

Monday, December 22, 2008
Now that we're out of school, we have to make our own quiz
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
To the Evil Librarian: You're Needed on Floor 3.
I will never forget my experiences at the Ardrossan Jr/Sr high school library. I’m not sure what I was doing there, looking at my grades it was apparent that I wasn’t studying. I particularly remember two of the librarians, who I considered tyrants. One was a cranky old lady whose golden years weren’t so golden. The other was a middle-aged man-hater with a shrill voice and a nose for greasy Jr. High troublemaking..
They watched our every move, shushed us at every opportunity, and even expelled us from the premises from time to time. I even recall getting yelled at for “randomly” picking a book off the shelf. They ruled with an iron fist, mercilessly belching out punishment at their whim. I hated them. I want them back!
As a University student with a fairly average brain, I am relegated to study for fairly long periods of time. To avoid procrastination I often study at the library. I enjoy studying at Rutherford North because there is a system. There are ‘quiet floors’ and ‘silent floors’, the latter being my preferred choice, as I need to concentrate to figure out what the notes I hastily scribbled out in class actually mean.
One night, the wife and I decided that we would study together on the silent floor (3rd). We were lucky enough to find a table to share and we got to work. If we needed to communicate we would message each other on our computers to maintain the “silent code”. We were reminded of this rule by a little sign that was on each table that said “This is a silent floor – No talking”. Unfortunately three distinguished gentlemen across from us did not understand this concept. To them “no talking” meant “I can whisper, constantly”. I don’t know what it is about University students, but they cannot shut up, even for ten minutes, they are always talking no matter where they are. They were also listening to their music loudly and one of them had this strange laugh, it was like a hundred little exhales in a span of three seconds. Both of us were getting annoyed. Since my wife is far more courageous than I, she decided to go over there and inform them that this was a silent floor and not a quiet floor. Like most people, they shrunk at conflict and were quiet for a minute, but then came to a realization: There is nothing they can really do, and carried on as before.
Oh, what I would have gave for the dynamic duo of evil that reined with blood and horror over my Jr. High library! Oh, how I miss the swift, thoughtless punishment dished out so freely and without mercy!
If only my thirteen-year-old self could hear this now!
-Kyle
Friday, November 21, 2008
Christmas Too Early Makes Me Surly
Christmas is one of my favourite times of the year. How can't it be? No school or work, good times with the family, great food, and most importantly: material possessions. These are the days of Starbucks hot chocolate, advent calendars, Rafee, Babybell cheese, Cap'n Crunch, new sweaters, snow, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, Home Alone, perspiring in retail outlets, Coca-cola polar bears, and the burning log on TV. I wouldn't trade it for anything!
It seems to me that certain people *cough* Brittney *end cough* would start Christmas celebrations around June, if left unchecked. She is not alone, I am sure she is in cahoots with my Grandma and sister; three peas in a premature celebration pod. No doubt they are in some sort of syndicate with aspirations of world domination, all centered around Christmas of course. [Insert your Christmas is a commercial scam conspiracy theory here, if you wish].
In my world, a perfect utopia which the likes of ye have never seen, Christmas celebrations should start Dec 1. This is more than fair, that's 25 days, or about 7% of our year celebrating one holiday. I am horrified to see the Christmas stuff, which I dearly love, magically appear about 0.0000001 seconds after Halloween is over. This is the start of a 55 day marathon of decorating, celebrating, and gluttony that would put Who-ville to shame.
Premature Christmas celebrators have many methods of smearing the holiday cheer where it doesn't belong:
The Carolers: They publicly bust out the Christmas tunes far too early, a heinous crime to say the least. Often this is before Halloween, the only tune I want to hear before Oct 31 is the Monster Mash! I suspect that they listen to carols year round, especially since the rise of the all powerful ipod. I have caught certain individuals listening to Christmas music in August...you know who you are.
The Nogger: You will notice I did not mention eggnog in my earlier list of Christmas essentials. I don't know what it tastes like, but I think I may have tried it as a kid and didn't like it...I am not going to risk it now. Plus, I recall
The Lighter: This is the person who puts their Christmas lights up way early. Now, I am somewhat sympathetic on this one. If I had to get on the roof to put lights up, then I might do it early so I don't slip off and break my neck. With that in mind, you don't have the turn them on yet, especially if your overly illuminated house poses a national security threat by providing a homing beacon for North Korean nuclear warheads. In addition, the additional emissions caused by these lights will melt the arctic and kill the cute polar bears that enjoy coca-cola, not the mention Santa’s workshop.
Even so, these people are better than the "I can just leave my lights up all year" people. They essentially take a good principle such as laziness and twist it into the perversion of year round Christmas cheer.
The Tree Hugger: Their artificial tree is carefully stored, waiting to be unleashed at the earliest opportunity. It has to be artificial because if they used a real tree, it would die before Christmas actually came. I have a soft spot for the three hugger for one reason only: Boots. He's my cat, he's 16, mostly blind, deaf, and cranky, and he loves to sleep under the tree. I suppose I could tolerate an early tree for his sake. Unless you have an aged cat that is cheating death, you are not covered!
Now, these premature celebrators will argue that celebrating early is spreading around a good thing and that everyone benefits. I smell Communists! Let’s see: spreading the wealth (cheer), Santa wearing red, receiving the same gifts regardless of behaviour (I always did). Now that I think of it, Santa and Karl Marx kind of look alike.
It's about time that we put the capitalism back in Christmas! Joy is a scarce resource, it must be horded and invested to exploit the poor 11 months of the year, and unleashed in all it's glory in the spectacular event that is Christmas. Afterward, I can celebrate a new calendar and make a bunch of promises to myself that I know will not keep, and wait two months to be showered with gifts in celebration of my Mom’s hard work bringing me into the world.